Difficult to Believe

It's hard to believe that we're coming up on the second anniversary of my husband's death, care of ALS. I can truly say that I have changed significantly since he passed. My lifestyle, my daily routine, my plans, even my own bucket list!

The first year was rough, but my daughter and I were also living through a kind of numbness. Yes, we cried often, especially when coming across events, TV shows (even commercials) and items hubby wore or used. The memories were bittersweet.

My daughter's trigger point is when co-workers (young adults) would complain about their dads. Her biggest regret is that Bill won't be around to walk her down the aisle should she choose to marry. Ever.
Of course, TV is a curse and a blessing. We often watch shows together at night, and sometimes the endings bring about a trigger that will send both if us to the tissue box. Even commercials and YouTube videos can spring a trigger on us.

These moments, although rough, have also helped us talk out our thoughts and feelings, and the "Humpty Dumpty Egg" that is our grief is slowing being patched up, bringing us some closure.

My trigger moments come when I am trying to go something that was Bill's job, like changing the garage door code or finding needle nose pliers. I have been known to close the garage door, scream and burst into tears because he isn't here anymore. As much as my hubby tried to prepare me for a time when he wasn't around, there are so many things we missed! Then again, once I accomplish something like patching a hole in the wall or re-setting the modem, I feel such a burst of confidence and empowerment.

In the last several months, these little "victories" have inspired me to climb further out of my comfort zone. Last year, I chose to enter a few pieces of artwork in an exhibit with other veterans. It was the first time I allowed other people besides family and friends to see it all. I've done the same thing this year, and have even expanded my "hobby" into a job of sorts. I now facilitate craft workshops at a local store, earning a paycheck each time! It's only once a month, but that is enough for me, because I have also been attending the community college.

I'm taking German language classes. I just registered for German 201, having earned an A in 101 and 102. Besides having a high percentage of German in my DNA (that's my Gram in the photo), my sister married a German national 3 years ago and I am taking a trip to Berlin to visit them this year!

My daughter has also been making strides in her work and social life. She keeps pushing herself to do new things and has made new friends and achieved new goals. I am so proud of her!

One last change, which I recommend to you all: keep connected with your family and friends. Tell them often how much you appreciate and love them.Get together more often, if you can. Because you never know when the last time you talk or see them will be the last time you can. I learned that lesson the hard way when I lost my best friend a couple months before Bill passed away. Her death was sudden and unexpected - I just went to a lawn concert with her the weekend before she died.

So there you have it. Almost two years out and still learning, still growing, yes, even still grieving. But taking each day as it comes, as a gift, nothing more, nothing less.  And just like the sunflower, still blooming...

Courage under Fire

After my experience being my husband's caretaker while he slowly passed away from ALS, I went through many moods and attitudes - strength, patience, fear, humility, faith, hope, heartache - but mostly I learned courage.

It is supremely heart-breaking to watch a loved one deal with a long, debilitating and fatal disease.
...to know that what you thought would last forever now has a specific time limit.
...to try to cram into a short span the things you were "saving for", "dreaming about", "putting off until tomorrow for".
...to say the things that you haven't said yet, or to not say the things if this disease hadn't hit.

My heart goes out to everyone whose illness or disease has a definite and final end. But in my heart I have a special place for those saints - wives, parents, children, siblings - who choose to care for them; to do the things they can't do anymore; to be their advocate; to become their nurse, translator, chauffeur, cook; to cry in secret so that they don't give up hope; to see them hurt, afraid, and weak.

These people have Courage. I'm not saying they don't rant and rave against their circumstances. It would be a miracle if they got through a day without crying, losing hope, being so tired they don't want to get up in the morning. But they do, despite the pain, the work, the loss. They are true unsung heroes.
So to all these heroes who fight the fight with their loved ones, this card is for you. You may not know that the Sunflower is the national symbol for ALS Awareness:

 “The sunflower,” (Shirley Hoffman Schmelzle) explained, “stands tall and strong, 

ever hopeful and ever reaching higher.  Sunflowers grow in clusters 

and support each other as they grow, just as family, friends and community 

offer support to those who live with ALS.”

There are a lot of resources and support out there. Start first with the ALS Foundation, which will have specifics on your situation. God bless you all...